Thursday, December 18, 2008

Can I skip christmas this year?

For those that know me well, it is a known fact that I am an emotional roller coaster. Most of the time I manage myself well and only a couple people know when I am seriously down.
However this Christmas I would love to just curl up in bed and not get up til the new year. Even then I'm not sure that my moos would perk up any. What really suck is I have nothing to be "depressed" about. I have a wonderful family, whom I love to no end, awesome friends, that put up with my shit, and MOSTLY a FANTASTIC husband that through all the craziness still loves me and tries his hardest to keep me up.
As side from all of that, I am drowning in my own dis pare. Over what? I would like to know that too. I'm tired of feeling like this, up and down every couple months is getting on my nerves. I'm tired of relaying on medication to "fell better or normal". I want to just BE normal.
I take on the emotions of friends and family and can't shake it sometime. A friend recently had a miscarriage, actually her second in a year, and my heart is so tore for her. I have three beautiful children and she has lost two. I have never lost a child but it hurt me to the core to know that she is in such pain. I can't find the words to say to her to tell her my feelings of her pain.
My mom has also be hurting emotionally lately, my grandmother passed away a year ago this week. I am feeling guilty that I was unable to go to the funeral and support my mom like she needed me to. And I was unable to give my goodbyes to my awesome grandma. I think about her all the time and wish she could hug me and let me cry.
Instead I am poring my heart out to the huge thing called the internet in hopes that getting it all out will improve my mood and help me enjoy the holiday, instead of faking my mood.
Going to blow my nose now because I have cried while witting this entire blog post.

4 comments:

Janelle said...

Awe Nikki, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Life just sucks sometimes doesn't it. There are no answers... but there are plenty of shoulders for to you cry on. We are all here for you and it's ok that you are feeling this way. Christmas usually brings out all the emotions that we have kept pushed down all year. Yes. It does suck.

Traci said...

I think I know a big part of why you're feeling this way. You've been so busy trying to be a good mom and wife that Nikki's taken a back seat.

You need to start taking at least one day a week for yourself, see if you can arrange some sort of agreement with your Mom-In-Law to take Eric.
That saying that 'if Momma aint happy, nobody's happy' is always said with a laugh, but its so true--if you're not happy with 'you' how can you be happy about anything else?
There's nothing wrong with being a great wife and mother. But you can't forget Nikki, the woman, who has her own hopes and dreams for herself.
It's not a bad thing to indulge in yourself, there's no guilt in remembering once in a while that you're just a girl who wants to still feel pretty, do girly things, laugh with friends, and learn new things.
And as you know, I have no problem in assisting you with that, my partner in crime-you know I'm always here for you.

Love ya!

Nikola said...

you can if I can, you know I will do my best to help and be supportive. Even though it seems like I work all the time now I will try to find some way for you to go out a little more often to go shopping or to visit friends. I agree with Traci that you need to find yourself but you also need to find some time to be alone with just me too. We haven't done that since our anniversary, and that was only for an hour. Let me know what you need..... Love you

Mario64 said...

I miss big mom too ,mom.